White, crisp pages in hand
Your eyes swivel, survey
A smile twists, a laugh bursts forth
Facing me sternly, you whisper
“Could you write something better?”
There it is –
In only five short words
Bare, ordinary,
But I feel as if my head’s
Been clean-cut from my shoulders
And tumbled to the hardwood floor
My passion gags in my throat
Open eyed and dumb
Off-center, you tell me why you feel that
My writings – my passion – my life
Are insubstantial, a little
Nothing black print
Much like white crumpled checkers
In three seconds you’ve
Taken novelist to nothingness
Factory work, fingerless
I’m facing future head-on
I’ve taken blows from strangers
People cross-country, twenty thousands miles away
But here, in my kitchen
I feel the heat hit home
Five platinum darts right
Into the aorta –
Blood gushing and I ran away
Tear-streaked, immature,
Whatever
(Ashamed)
Flash-forward, I’m eating a bagel
And you try to mutter that your sorry
Through a black-inked newspaper wall
But my music’s loud and
I can't hear you anymore
Convinced every word is hateful,
Stubborn when wounded,
I want you to listen to me cry myself to sleep
From now on the only pages you get from me
Are blank ones
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
"In only five short words
Bare, ordinary,"
Wow.... bare and ordinary are bare and ordinary
Wow... how... wow... this reminds me of a poem I wrote, thought mine was more comedic than serious toned. Nice job on this one...
I liked this poem.
thats nifty, sorry im not very complicated in my reviews...
Wow. This makes me want to give you a caustic critique just so I feel all that emotion in your next poem. This poem is very difficult to critique, because it comes from so many angles. My favorite lines were those that came out of sequence, that stood on their own, like "Your eyes swivel, survey." Survey is awesome there. Or "Factory work, fingerless." Try to use this technique more consistenty throughout the poem, because it was very effective.